Would I lie to you?

One of the most common questions I get from both groups and individuals is how to deal with people being evasive or simply lying.  When you think someone is not being straight with you, it is rarely clear cut, and often has the added complexity of an audience.

Of course, the most congruent (being real) thing to say might well be “I don’t believe you”.  But the outcome is likely to be defensiveness and therefore destructive, rather than productive.  The reason for this is that it is usually too confrontational, especially in public.  Also, more subtly the responsibility is on the non-believer to justify and even prove the validity of their statement, which is in its effect, an accusation.

The TV detective Columbo (played by the late Peter Falk) can help us here.  His method of getting information has actually become one of the Motivational Interviewing techniques, known as the Columbo technique.   When having a conversation with someone, he would always be listening actively, in a relaxed or even nonchalant manner.  His style of interaction was to question, seemingly curious, even naïve.  This put the prime suspect off guard and they talked more, giving Columbo more information, a part of which was incriminating.

We are not of course trying to incriminate anyone, nor be devious in any way.  But the approach is very effective for two important reasons.  Firstly, it is non-threatening, even though it is challenging.  Secondly, it puts the responsibility back to the individual who has been evasive or whose information is inaccurate/misleading.

So how to do this?  Let’s imagine you are in a meeting and a colleague implies that a particularly unpopular decision was fully consulted about, yet you’re pretty sure it was not.  The initial statement will usually be said quickly, because the individual will want to gloss over it (the expression ‘skating on thin ice’ applies here.

  1. Slow the conversation down, by asking them to go over what they have just said because you haven’t understood/heard properly
  2. Seem puzzled/confused in body language, but genuine in that you’re trying to understand more fully

This has the effect of making the colleague repeat the statement.  If it is a lie or an evasion they are likely to feel some discomfort.

  1. Then follow up with an open question to get more clarification, such as “What does ‘fully consulted’ mean?” This is assertive questioning, so ensure your tone and body language is neither apologetic nor aggressive.

What happens next is revealing.  Either there is a plausible explanation with more facts given, which is helpful, and may lead to further discussion.  But if they have indeed been lying or evasive they are likely to: become apologetic and try to distance themselves from the decision- making and consultation or become aggressive/defensive, maybe saying you have no right to ask such questions.  This is their conscience speaking. Keep calm and open in body language.  Thank them for their clarification.   Do not apologise or get defensive, but stay neutral.

If anyone is not being up front with you about something, you can ask them directly.  But another option is to let their conscience speak, and this is more powerful in terms of behaviour change.

Remember:

  1. Slow the conversation down, because when people lie, they usually talk quicker
  2. Look puzzled and appeal to them for help in understanding the issue. Use expressions such as “Hang on, go over that again, I’m getting lost…”  This is non-threatening
  3. Ask them to repeat the key information/issue back to you or use an open question to explore.

Monthly Articles


Fantastic course [Motivational Interviewing]! Totally relevant, understandable, practical and interesting. I look forward to using the skills and tools I learned. I was particularly impressed with Alasdair Cant. He is a brilliant trainer, knowledgeable, patient, engaging and clearly skilled at facilitating groups ensuring fun and learning.

Youth Justice Worker

I thought the course was very powerful and has given me tools to approach my job positively!

Social Worker

Excellent course, I liked the visual examples, it helps to reinforce learning. Great trainer and very attentive to pace and understanding of the group

Participant

Excellent course [Motivational Interviewing]. I recommend it to all staff working within the Youth Offending Service.

Youth Justice Worker

The course content and delivery were excellent. The learning outcomes I achieved were highly relevant to my field of work. I highly recommend this training to all professionals that work with clients.

Youth Justice Manager, London

This was a stimulating and inspiring course for me. I found that it reminded me of some of the core areas and pleasures of my therapeutic working.

Occupational Therapist

I thought the course was very powerful and has given me tools to approach my job positively!

Social Worker

Alasdair is one of the best trainers I've experienced - very knowledgeable, calm and interesting. A wonderful and rewarding experience.

Social Worker

I thought the course was very powerful and has given me tools to approach my job positively!

Social Worker

Alasdair was extremely patient, a good listener, and helped to prise my feelings out of me even when I didn’t necessarily understand them myself!

Arts Manager (Coaching)

Participative and vibrant discussion whilst adhering to a learning framework. Good time boundaries. Good role play. Learned a lot.

Child Protection Worker

Nicely paced, appropriately interactive, very facilitative, fine to ask questions. Actually enjoyable!

Probation Officer, Essex

This training course [Training the Trainer] has been the best one I've attended. Alasdair was very competent in delivering all we needed to know. The course was inspirational, not just an ordinary training course. I had a lot of fun and I would strongly recommend this course for anyone who needs to deliver training within their work.

Equality & Diversity Officer, Westminster PCT

We could not have asked for a better trainer or training programme. Alasdair is open, engaging and encouraging. The days flew by. I have learned an incredible amount without feeling overloaded.

Early Support Development Co-ordinator, London

This training [Motivational Interviewing] should be compulsory for all staff, but only if delivered at this high standard.

Mental Health Team leader

Excellent course, very relevant to my role as an ISS YOT specialist. Very good role play and theoretical content. Good overview of a complicated style of working with young people, but looks so easy when done well.

Youth Justice Manager, London

Each day of the course brought new experiences and new learning. It was extremely interactive, thought provoking and valuable. I will thoroughly recommend this course [Training the Trainer] to my colleagues. The facilitator was excellent. Thank you!

Training & Learning Development Co-ordinator, London

This has been a useful refresher course for me as I have been reminded about the key principles behind Motivational Interviewing that I had neglected to use

Participant

The quality of the facilitation was excellent and helped us explore potentially emotive topics in a very professional manner.

Team Manager, Westminster

The training was delivered in a clear and respectful manner. Alasdair made the course engaging and interesting for the participants.

Senior Arts Manager

Very positive training with a knowledgeable and skillful trainer. The group engagement was very positive and a lot of leaning took place between the group.

Participant

Thank you for coming today and providing such a good foundation for our staff. I could see they were very engaged all day and that is exactly what I hoped for. The information was pitched at the right level and I hope you are pleased with feedback.

Commissioner, Clinical Lead Mental Health, London PCT

Fantastic course [Motivational Interviewing]! Totally relevant, understandable, practical and interesting. I look forward to using the skills and tools I learned. I was particularly impressed with Alasdair Cant. He is a brilliant trainer, knowledgeable, patient, engaging and clearly skilled at facilitating groups ensuring fun and learning.

Youth Justice Worker

Rare delivery style and facilitation by Alasdair. Excellent - very relaxed, informal, detailed and knowledgeable, but easily digestible and pitched at the right level.

Probation Officer, Hertfordshire

This training course [Training the Trainer] has been the best one I've attended. Alasdair was very competent in delivering all we needed to know. The course was inspirational, not just an ordinary training course. I had a lot of fun and I would strongly recommend this course for anyone who needs to deliver training within their work.

Equality & Diversity Officer, Westminster PCT

It has been so valuable to have the space for the team to come together and talk about aspects of their work in a supportive environment

Senior Arts Manager

Brilliant day - glad I came...very stimulating and beneficial.

Voluntary Sector Project Manager

Enjoyable and productive. I found your facilitation was calm and relaxed but also purposeful which drew good contributions from the team. Thank you.

Participant

Nice to get a chance to hash out things with the team in a ‘safe’ environment

Senior Arts Manager

An enjoyable day, open, engaging and tangible outcomes. I was able to participate but listened to colleagues with I hope an open mind and will consider views on reflection. Tangible outcomes for us to take forward and I have a clarity of where we need to go next. I am inspired but empowered to question! Thanks Alasdair.

Participant